In a shocking revelation that has rocked both the MLB and kinesiology departments nationwide, an internal investigation has found that the Minnesota Twins’ training staff does not believe in stretching—or muscles—at all.
What they uncovered, according to sources, was “borderline mystical.”
“Honestly, we’ve just been kind of vibing,” admitted head Athletic Trainer Nick Paparesta. “Hamstrings? Bit of a mindset issue, really. If you think about them too much, they’ll betray you.”
According to the report, the Twins' pregame routine includes a blend of interpretive dance, mood journaling, and light hacky sack. Stretching is considered “too aggressive” for the body. Foam rollers were tried once—then promptly banned for being “emotionally abrasive.”
In lieu of MRIs, players are assessed through aura readings and horoscope alignments. Recovery timelines? Determined by dart throws and intuition. One assistant Athletic Trainer allegedly asked a player:
“What does your inner child feel about your quad today?”
Other revelations include:
Team exec Derek Falvey was stunned.
“I mean, we have tape. And a table. I thought we were good.”
Fans, meanwhile, feel vindicated.
“I’ve been yelling about this for years,” tweeted @TwinsFan42069. “Do yoga. Run laps. Drink water. It’s not hard.”
In response, the Twins vowed to re-evaluate their methods—starting with Googling “hamstring.”
As for Royce Lewis, he’s hopeful.
“If this means no more crystals on my thigh, I’m all in.”
Happy April Fools’ Day, Twins fans. Full "story" here!